Being Single?

If there is one way in which a woman can feel that she is not the weaker sex is by remaining single all her life. This thought came to my mind after being questioned several times in the past few days on my "single" status and after heavy thinking, I realized how life was suddenly so beautiful for me. Beautiful not in terms of clouds of love hanging on my head, or flowers falling as I walk. But beautiful because I realized how by being single, I could rule as a woman. How I could again throw my weight around and not bother about the issues of emotions and sentiments which seldom works in today’s world. How I was so free that I didn’t have to be answerable to anyone? How i could concentrate on many more things in life which I had left pending for a long long time now. And how I could look all around and pamper myself with “eye candies” everywhere. I mean do we really need a man to create an identity for ourselves? I guess its just a misconception and i have risen much much above it now.

But the question is not why this happens? The question is “how” this happens. The “so called” inhabitants of the planet mars called “MEN” probably forget their golden concepts of reasoning and practicality when it comes to wooing a girl. In just one instance, they can hand over stuff ranging from their wallets to their hearts. I mean this is one phase where we girls can actually make a guy run on his toes and he can still manage to be as sweet as honey, which probably one would never find once he becomes your boyfriend. The usual issue would always centre around “why aren’t you like before?” “How can you change in just one year?” And the usual answers normally are “Things Change”

But do things change so much? This “short lived” phase my dear friends, is what marks as a moment of victory for women. It satisfies the feminist instinct in one self to say that “women rules”. The problem with us is, that we end up falling prey to this “wooing” too easily, and after some time, end up loosing our importance. The solution is playing “hard to get”. If we play hard to get, there are two advantages in that. One, the guy will actually realize how lucky it is for him to be with the girl he loved and he would consider it a sort of an achievement (as normally guys do). To quote an anecdote, a friend of mine while talking about his girl friend said, they are like competitive exams, you fill up 10 of them but only the one where it is tough to crack, you work hard for it. Secondly, to be a little more selfish, it gives a great relief to one’s own feminist instinct to see men drool over us, even if it is for sweet nothings.

Which husband or boyfriend gets flowers or chocolates everyday? Which husband or boyfriend keeps complimenting you for every thing you say or everything you wear or sometimes for nothing at all? I guess this is one phase where we all have to reach at some point in our lives, then why not enjoy a phase where we are considered important for what we are and who we are. A phase where, women can actually drive men crazy. And people say being being single is a bane? All you girls out there, I say enjoy till it lasts…after all this is our moment of victory!!!!

Isn’t dowry “Reverse Commodification”?

“Arrey kalmuhi kab tak mere kaleje pe bojh ban kar baithegi”. Statements like this are quite evident in Indian society whenever we talk of women as a burden. And to top it all, the concept of dowry has sparked the flames and is continuing to subordinate women in the society today. Dowry or Dahej is the payment in cash or/and kind by the bride's family to the bridegroom’s family along with the giving away of the bride. To trace back the history of dowry, it originated in the upper class families as a symbol of gifts given to the bride by her family. This later got converted as a sort of a help in marriage expenses and a sort of “stree dhan” which could be later used by the girl in the time of crisis. Although, this practice has been legally banned in India since 1961 but it continues to be in great practice. The situation today is such that the groom and his family demand dowry in the nature of hard cash, electronic items, furniture, cars, house and the list is never ending.

The Indian society can be characterized as extremely duplicitous. We are a bunch of hypocrites who say something else and mean something else. On one hand, we equate women to the three goddesses, i.e. goddess of power, wealth & intellect an on the other hand we go on to weigh these women in comparison with gold, silver and sometimes even hard cash. If a bride is not able to fulfill the dowry demands of her in-laws then it is her who has to face the brunt of humiliation in the family. In few cases, situations go to the level of “Bride Burning” and in very few cases; women actually come out of their homes courageously to fight against the evil. It is quite evident that there exists a huge amount of prejudice against women in the Indian society. It is these practices that make repress women in the society today. It doesn’t let women grow from her original position. Today, women are doing so well that in many areas they are performing better than men. Then why is dowry symbolizing women as a burden on her parents?

But my question is not what and how of dowry. I wish to bring a different issue in front of everyone today. We have been hearing the term commodification from a long time now. And every time we hear this word, what comes to mind is a skimpily clad woman modeling for a bike or a car or maybe an alcohol brand. But is commodification restricted to women? Aren’t men being commodified in a very invisible manner? Something which they don’t even realize is happening to them. A sort of a “reverse commodification’?

In the Hindu marriage, the parents of the bride give huge amounts of gifts, sometimes cash and other items as ‘dahej” to the bridegroom, which means they are paying a sum for the bride groom. To look at it from the other angle, the parents of the bride groom are happily demanding and accepting dowry and selling off their sons. Which comes to mean that they have simply “commodified” their sons? I mean just come to think of it. The groom’s family makes note of the amount of money being spent from his diapers to his drugs converting him to a mere commodity who is being sold for a price much more than the actual cost price. The only difference here is that the bride’s parents have to loose on both their daughter as well as the huge amount of money spent on dowry.

Let’s look at the lighter side of the picture. In many states in India, the dowry rates vary depending upon the level of education and occupation of the boy. So if a boy is a bureaucrat then the bride’s parents have to be well equipped to pay as high as one million rupees. So considering the fact that marriage today is a market and the grooms as per their levels of occupation are characterized according to the big brand names. For example, the bureaucrats can be characterized by Shoppers Stop, MBA’s by Westside, doctors by Globus, Engineers by Levis and so on. So the concept is that the prospective bride can go to the brand name that suits her taste and pocket and pay a certain amount of money and buy the groom forever. Wow…this indeed sounds interesting. As a feminist, it gives me immense pleasure to think that men who don’t stop commodifying women are in the end commodified by their own families and sometimes by themselves.

Which means all we need today is money? Well, to look at the brighter side of the picture, women are quite self sufficient today. In the past few years, many cases have proved that women can’t be subordinated on the issues of female infanticide, foeticide, purdah and especially dowry. But the need is still to bring awareness for those women who continue to suffer subordination, being afraid of the fact that life outside maybe worse than what they are actually going through. The need is also to teach those women a lesson that becomes a helping hand in spoiling the lives of their daughter in laws by instigating their sons.

Are we justifying Marxian concept of class struggle here? Are we the women the “have nots” and the Men the “haves”? And thus it is the exploitation of the dominant on the oppressed? Then let me warn you my dear patriarchs that Marx talks of something called “revolution”, when the exploited class rises up in revolt to overthrow the dominant class. Is it then that this brutal system of patriarchy would realize the pain and agony that they have inflicted upon the women since time immemorial? Let us just hope that this society brings about a change in itself without a sort of revolution. Let us be optimistic and work towards the achievement of a society that is marked by gender equality, where women are free to speak for themselves. It is then can we expect our country to progress. Only then can we feel secured about this country being a better place for our future generation of daughters to come. It is then can a girl’s parents happily think of getting their daughter married without having to spend huge amounts of money on dowry and the daughter in law receiving full respect from her husband and her family. My eyes are already waiting to experience such a society. Let us just hope I am fortunate enough to experience it before the doors of heaven open up to receive me in the world where there is no state, no society and thus no inequality.

Women & their "soapy:" woes...!!!

The day starts with surya namaskar, innumerable rituals while worshiping to god, sending kids to school, then husbands to offices & getting down to the much awaited bitching sessions. And through all this, they are dressed up so amazingly that one might start thinking “Are they super women?” Well..you guessed it right. They are the much talked about adarsh bahus of the “so called” fanciful, morphed and the corrupt world created by Ms. Ekta Kapoor & her clones.

In today's world, when we are trying to get over our unreasonable customs & traditions and helping women rise above them, these so called TV soaps force us to look back and start thinking about them again? In a country where widow remarriage has been propogated since time immemorial, why is it depicted in the tv soaps that a widow should not give blessings to a newly bride because it brings bad luck? Why is it shown that if a woman cannot bear a child then she is thrown out of the house and the mother forces her son to remarry for a child and in many cases for a son? Why is it shown that if a girl from a middle class family is married in a rich family(which always remains the central theme for ekta kapoor), she has to face the brunt of humiliation for a long time till the time she can succumb to the whims & fancies of her mother in law and sister in laws who would be potrayed no less than a vampire loaded with jewellery with “bitching” as their only aim in life?

Why are the TV soaps portraying women in two extremes? Either as “tulsi” who is the embodiment of patience, compassion & affection and who would not utter a word even if her children throw her out of the family every other time? Or like “kamolika” who enters the family with the main aim of breaking the family? Are they the only two roles a woman can do? Have women become so aimless today? Women are worshiped for their ability to nurture and not for playing games with their families and sometimes their own children. I dont understand why Ms. Kapoor wants us to go hundred years back when we are trying to move forward? Why does she come up with serials like “kahaani ghar ghar ki” or “Kasauti Zindagi kay” and so on which go on proving the fact that relationships dont mater in a family? Everyone in the family enjoys an extra marital affair. There are no legitimate children and women normally end up getting married in same families maybe to different brothers. Why are serials named “Betiyaan...paraya dhan” reminding everyone that daughters are burdens? That always remains the central concept in these serials.

I wish to make an appeal with my folded hands to Ms. Ekta Kapoor and all those people who come with such derogatory concepts for a tv soap. The need of the hour is to move forward and not to go on reminding the public of all the social evils that we have left behind. Why are you delineating the concept of a house wife and limiting her role to gossiping, back biting, loaded with jewellery and selfishness? Today the middle class constitutes almost half of the population and it is this middle class that forms the educational intelligentsia of society. Then why are you portraying the girls brought up in middle class families as those who are unaware of the world outside them? Why are you emphasizing on the materialistic aspect of life so much that we start to forget our academic and family aspect of life which holds much more importance?

As an individual each one of us has to make an effort to bring about at least a small change in society in the best way we can. And by being a woman, that effort can be made even more strongly. So heres an appeal to Ms. Ekta Kapoor & her “clones” that please dont stop with your tv soaps, they are an entertainment to lakhs of people. But since it is an entertainment for so many people, prove yourself to be responsible by potraying what is beneficial for the society. And not for yourself & your never ending pockets!!!!

Kanyadaan?

Kanyadaan is considered to be the biggest daan (donation). In this ceremony, the parents of the bride hand over their beloved daughter to the bride groom and his family with the assurance that they will take proper care of her. i have a little problem here with the term "daan" or "donation". Lemme put it this way. What do we donate? or lets say give daan as? maybe food items? money? clothes? or sometimes animals?

Let me make it clear for my readers and the "so called" followers of traditions and customs that this is not an attempt to make a mockery of any tradition or custom. On the contrary, i wish to ask you all if the term "kanyadaan" is suitable? Doesnt it objectify a women who is to be given as a "daan"?

In the earlier times women were subjected to homes. They were not allowed to step out of their homes and thus they were a burden on their families since they were not an earning member. But today things have changed. Women have crossed the border line and they are now much better equipped in terms of education and earning a livelihood. In the background of all this, i wish to ask everyone, is the concept of daan still relevant?

Is the term "kanyaadaan" justified? I am still seeking an answer to this question...

Kill me once not everyday!!!

If all this society can give me is humiliation, disrespect and exploitation then kill me before i step into the world surrounded by people who are waiting to torture me, exploit me, molest me and make me a victim of their greed and lust. Kill me in the womb itself so that i dont have to face the realities of this traumatic life. Kill me before i have been made to believe that i am nothing but a burden on this family and the society. Kill me before i am told that i cant do well since i am a girl and my mental faculties are not as developed as the boys. Kill me....kill me....kill me (Voice of a Female Foetus)

As the technology is penetrating its strong tentacles into our daily lives we realize that he have knowingly or unknowingly become very very dependant on it. I feel handicapped if my internet is not working or if there is a problem with my laptop because i feel i am not connected to the outside world. Technology thus has its good and bad aspects.

Technology has done wonders in the field of medical science. We can now be cured for the deadliest of diseases and still continue to live happily. Infact i was reading about this recent technological innovation that now one can actually decide upon the colour of the eyes, hair of their baby when in womb. They can also get to know how intelligent the baby would be and so on and so forth.

But isnt this so called "technological breakthrough" contributing to a low sex ratio? Isnt it helping in killing of female feotuses every day? Sex determination is illegal and abortion on the basis of it is punishable by law. But has it stopped both the parents as well as the doctors to deermine the sex of the baby? No it has not.

My basic idea is that when we look out of our homes to the grassroot level, lets say to the villages, we see that even if the girl child is born she is disrespected and humiliaed at every step of her life. So is it right for us to listen the voice of the foetus? What is the use if the girl shild is brought into this world wherein she is going to suffer even more pain and trauma? And mind you, many of u would say that this doesnt happen now. Things have changed in the twenty first century. But please before commenting think about it and read this story at http://www.hinduonnet.com/fline/fl1912/19120420.htm

House Husband anyone?

An advertisement in newspaper says;

"Wanted a bride for a 25 year old, convent educated, fair and handsome boy, Knows how to cook, drive, wash clothes as well as can speak very good english. Very good with kids and pets"

Heres a mind boggling session people...this is the concept of HOUSE HUSBAND. What do you guys say? Wouldnt it be a revolution if we start getting such advertisements in the matrimonial section of our newspapers? i am sure it would be.

For the past few days, I have been coming across people, mainly the men folk who also call themselves the victim of this age old patriarchal set up. According to many males, given a choice they would prefer to be what they convinietly call as “House Husbands”. Wow….i infact like this concept. I mean just imagine, I come back from office all tired and theres my husband at home who has prepared the dinner for me, sets the table for me, all my cothes are clean and at the same time kids are put off to sleep after they have been helped with their homeworks. Its like a dream…hee hee. Anywayz coming back to what I was saying, the concept of “House Husband” is not bad at all. I mean all the people here who have been calling me a pessimist and saying I am not looking at the brighter side of gender equality, let me ask u? Please leave the so called “hypocrisy” for a moment and tell me. Are u ready to be a house husband? Would you be proud in telling people outside that your wife is working while you prefer to stay at home?

Now, this is another bane of the patriarchal set up. According to the male folks with whom I have been interacting, given a choice they would love to stay at home, or take a break from office and take care of household chores while their wives work but they wont do that because that is a sort of a taboo for society. Your level of respect will go down immediately and you would become a sort of a laughing stock. You would be treated as a “second grade citizen” and referred to stuff as “Joru ka Ghulam”. And thus males would never even think about taking such a step. This is the first bane of Patriarchy for the male folks. Women have been suffering a lot, its time males get a taste of what suffering is like. Something like a taste of their own medicine?

Identity Crisis in Housewives

Women possess some magical power in themselves and it starts from bed. I felt a little awkward when I met this person sometime back who was when asked, what his wife does, answered, that she doesn’t do anything and she is a housewife. In just one statement he degraded the concept of housewives as well as the status of his wife. Is this the reason for the strong sense of identity crisis in the housewives who don’t seem to get a sense of credit for the work they do? Or shall we say they don’t do any work at all? According to some husbands who work whole day in the office and come back home, housewives is the best job as the female gets to stay in the comfort and luxury of the four walls of the house whereas the man slogs whole day in the office. But can we forget the 24x7 job of the poor female which starts from the morning chores of sending the kids off to school to making food for the house, cleaning the house, taking care of the other household chores to preparing dinner for her chauvinist husband who would come back home in the evening and expect his wife to serve him, to the role of a bedroom queen which she has to play no matter whether she wants it or not. In a recent survey it was noted that if we start adding the work done by housewives in the National Income of our country then our GDP would rise by 4 times maybe.

Sometime back there was this piece of news which I was going through wherein around 100 women who were housewives were interviewed and it was found that all these women suffered from depression, anxiety, of being unable to focus on things, of bursting into tears without reason and many other issues which disturbed them from time to time. They just felt unhappy for some reason or the other. Yet, when I analyze the issue I feel there was no reason for many of the women to feel this way. They had secure marriages, had children, and had financial security and a good education background before they decided to settle down. Then what can we say was the problem? In the Indian society a women is considered really lucky and happy if she has a good marriage, children and financial security. People look at her with awe in their eye thinking what else can she ask for? They characterize the lives of the women with the salary of her husband, her kids and her house. No one would try and think deep down what that women is going through. Whether she is happy with the traditional roles that she has been assigned? Whether she is happy in carrying the burden of her family without making any hue and cry about it?

I have been thinking over this issue for a long time now. Can we say that this depression that is marking the women folk who prefer to stay home is a sense of identity crisis? On the one hand, women from girlhood were told that they would find fulfillment and happiness as wife and mother, in traditional feminine roles. On the other hand, the reality was that as women spent more and more of their energy in being that, they felt more and more unhappy. I spoke to a senior of mine who got married a few years ago. According to her she has tried to do everything that a woman should do, starting from cooking to gardening to knitting but still she feels desperate. She questions herself everyday that whether she has a personality of her own of not? She has a lovely life, a husband who is doing very well in his career, two lovely kids and a beautiful house but still every morning when she wakes up she feels she has nothing to look forward to. Why do a lot of women today are marked by this feeling in them? Why do all the women today have just one question that summed up their feelings: Is this all there is in life?

Tradition has always been a very staunch tool in Indian society. From the very beginning the conventional roles are assigned to boys and girls. It is very unlikely that you would find a boy doing household chores, whereas a girl is taught everything from cooking to cleaning the house, from stitching to knitting and so on. Why are we hell-bent on proving ourselves to be a hypocrite? When on one hand we say that there is no difference between a boy and a girl. They are both equal and then on the other hand we keep on differentiating for every little thing. Why are girls from the very beginning taught what to wear, how to talk with men, how to behave in front of other people and other etiquettes whereas one would never find a boy’s parents bothered even if he talks in the worst of the language possible. If this is not hypocrisy then what do we call it?

The root to identity crisis in women can be traced to their girlhood since when they are taught every little thing so that they may become what they call a “Kushal Grihini” – a perfect homemaker. But in all this we forget that we are readying her someone else. We are changing her own self for someone else. Is that justified? Do we as girls ever expect whether our husband would know how to cook? Or to manage kids? Or stitching, knitting and so on? Women just go by the fact that their parents have selected the boy for them who is earning a good salary. Rest is not important. And mind it, in major sections of the society this is what is happening. A lot of my friends may raise a point here that things are changing and women are now choosing their own life partners. But when we talk of women as a class then we should adopt a holistic approach and look at women all over the country. It is only in the metropolitan cities that women are empowered and independent. But here also complete emancipation is not there. A complete emancipation of women would be when each and every woman in this country would be able to speak for herself. She would be proud of the fact that she is a housewife. The husband would respect her work and accord her a sense of identity. All this may sound utopian at the moment. But optimism leads to achievement of utopianism.

A woman may be empowered but she is everywhere in chains. Yes, I bring out a similarity with Rousseau’s statement here because I completely feel that women may look empowered and independent but she is till not free. She is still tied to that “Iron Chains of Patriarchy” which seem never ending. When would a day come when the so called patriarchal system would realize that it is the women who are also a human being as equal as them whom they maltreat? When would they realize that they cannot survive without women and thus they should respect each and every aspect of womanhood? When would they realize that being a housewife is just not being at home but taking care of a bigger responsibility which they simply leave at home to go and sit in their beautiful air conditioned offices? Are we justifying Marxian concept of class struggle here? Are we the women the “have nots” and the Men the “haves”? And thus it is the exploitation of the dominant on the oppressed? Then let me warn you my dear patriarchs that Marx talks of something called “revolution”, when the exploited class rises up in revolt to overthrow the dominant class. Is it then that this brutal system of patriarchy would realize the pain and agony that they have inflicted upon the women since time immemorial? Let us just hope that this society brings about a change in itself without a sort of revolution. Let us be optimistic and work towards the achievement of a society that is marked by gender equality, where women are free to speak for themselves. It is then can we expect our country to progress. Only then can we feel secured about this country being a better place for our future generation of daughters to come. It is then can a woman proudly say that she is a housewife without a sort of hesitation or a sense of identity crisis and receiving full respect from her husband. My eyes are already waiting to experience such a society. Let us just hope I am fortunate enough to experience it before the doors of heaven open up to receive me in the world where there is no state, no society and thus no inequality.

Is Gender Equality a Myth?

A situation always flashes across my mind wherein lets say a 22 year old girl who is working in a MNC and earning in five figures. Lets assume a situation that she has been raped and now she is a single mother. With no fault of hers she has become the victim of humilation that this society has subjected her to. If she wishes to get married, i ask you, would people be ready to marry her even on knowing the fact that she was raped? No. This is where gender equality proves to be a myth in the Indian Society.

This blog basically represents issues that have been snagging me since i was a kid. Issues relating to the eqauliy, respect and status of the women today. It makes me think twice that are we really the fairer sex? or are we a sort of a burden on this society? Please feel free to post your views on issues that have been bothering you or if theres something you feel strong about.